lubes

Hi-de-hoe everybody,

For reasons unknown my daughter was singing alternative lyrics Christmas carols this morning and that planted a seed in my mind.....
....I remembered I used to do stuff like that once upon a time on a website I once frequented way back when.
So I took a look, laughed my ass off and then thought I might say hello.

So, in accordance with the prophecy,

Hello

Lubes.

P.S. How are you guys doing?

The stuff dreams are made of.....

which reminds me of a joke. Did you hear about the guy who had 85 wet dreams in one night?

He fell down the stairs and fractured his pyjamas.

Guys,

I read the overview in this section and i am proud to say it made very little sense to me. I am alergic to computers, i actually break out in a rash if i sit too close to one.

But i do remember playing a game called 'monsters' on the BBC micro a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. That and 'rocket raid' and what i believe could be the first ever version of 'doom'.
Now i have downloaded the game(s) and a BBC emulator from the bbc website but a absolutely can not get it to work.

Anyone here wanna hold my flakey rashy hand through this?

you know, i have less patience than Hitler (apparently) but i can usually stay in the room when there's a lady in posession of the remote....

BUT NO MORE!

My better (and more tolerant half) is currently enjoying the new season of Desperate Housewives. I am loosing the will to live here.

There are 3 main issues i have with this show,

1. The stories suck (face it ladies, they're crap)

2. The narator (they one who died several series ago) has the most annoying voice.

but the winner....

3. The non stop background music. (Plink plonk, strum strum, plink plonk) Listen out for it next time, you'll be insane too within 20 mins.

Am I alone here in my insanity?

ok, here's my attempt to post a pole..... i tried this once before but Egore wouldn't fit into the envelope.....

Yeah, look everybody, Lubes is back. And he's brought his usual mix of ....er... unusual topics with him.

This time i'm here to talk about testicles.

Now you might recall me earlier episode with the doctor, the gloved hand and the scrotum... (you might, is all i'm saying). But now i have gone one better.

Last week i went to a special doctor. I went in to his office and he told me to climbe onto the bed and drop my shorts. 7 minutes later i left his office in some discomfort and not quite as functional a man as i was when i went in.

Never (and i mean NEVER) let anyone in the medical profession try to tell you that a vasectomy is a painless procedure.

I'm gonna have a pole here...... coz i have 2 things to share with all my primate buddies.

1 who wants to see some 'after' pics???

2 who wants me to explain exactly what took place in that small room with no windows for those 7 mins? (i have tried to blank it from my memory but it's not so easy)

Forgive me Chimpy for I have sinned. It has been many months since my last posting.

Now down to business, Ireland (ranked 6 in the world) met Namibia (ranked 24th) last night. T'was terrible. There has been a lot of hype about how this is the best prepared irish team ever to grace the earth. And if money and cryotherapy were any measure then it is indeed the best prepared irish team ever.

However that don't mean they can play.

Honestly for about 15 mins in the first half i felt it was gonna be a walk over. They had 2 trys scored in no time and Namibia hardly got a touch of the ball. Then they slowed a bit.... the next try was a bit dodgy. It turned out to be a penalty try coz the namibians were messing in the scrum. Then they slowed a little more...

by half time they had groun to a halt...

By the second half the irish had shifted into reverse.

Denis Hickey is due to retire after the world cup and to be honest, he looked like he was only making up the numbers for a long long while there. Didn't seem to give much by way of effort. Did plenty of dropping of the ball and more than his fair share of knock on's

But he wasn't alone. They were all shite to be honest. Very sad really...... all the rugger heads in D4 must have been crying on the steering wheel of their X5's all the way back from Lillies.




P.S. Congrations by the way. How's the good lady keeping?

I have no doubt that at the time of writing it made sense.... however.....

WTF indeed.

A truly inspiring farewell email that's doing the rounds.
This guy will go down in history.


Subject
Im outta here ..... ;.)


My leaving letter:
Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, tommorw is my last day. But before I
leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great
and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Tommorow is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day
leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please
know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack
of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude
you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where
miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and
inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a
strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute
his mistake to me.

Over the year and a half, you have taught me more than I could ever ask
for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough
to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide
variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in
overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily
tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace
knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "mostly
satisfactory." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy
after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of
mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other
within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on
the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye
contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my
personalized notes of farewell:

To Caulfield: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite
having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will
clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Linda: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these
"email forwards." I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good
luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.

And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We'll talk
later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual
who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this
experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job
opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner
kill myself.

Very truly yours,

Cian Kelliher

PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the Odeon
5.30 tommorow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!




__________________________________

Cian Kelliher
Consultant
Risk & Advisory Services
Industrial, Commercial & Technology Group [ICT ]
Ernst & Young Dublin

Phone: +353 1 221 2566
Switch: + 353 (0) 1 475 0555
E-mail: Cian.Kelliher@ie.ey.com

The US will not be sending 20,000 more teenagers to hunt for Osama for 2 reasons.

First, Bush needs Osama. He needs a boogie man to keep everyone afraid. A frightened and paranoid population will very readily say yes to just about any level of funding the Bush administration want to conduct their 'war on terror'. If Osama was caught and hung, a la Saddam, there'd be no bad guy to frighten the US citizens and no reason for them to hand over a trillion dollars to devote to killing innocent people who refuse to just hand over their oil to the US.

Which brings me to the second reason. Namely Oil.

There is no oil in Afganistan. There is plenty of the stuff in Iraq. The only problem is that they're not pumping the black gold as fast as the US would like them to. That's why Saddam was ousted in the first place. (that and the fact that he threatened to sell the oil in euros and not dollars). Note, Iran has just announced the same plan... let's see what happens there.


Now if they can calm things down in Iraq* they can get contractors in to up the production** rates. Therefore Bush will be doing all he can to bring Iraq under control and secondary to that is just about everything else, Osama Bin Laden included.


*they have no chance of calming things down. They have in fact created a power vacuum in Iraq and now they have 2 powerful factions (Shia's and Sunni's) fighting for control. The only thing the two sides have in common it that they and committed to expelling the invading force. (I.E. uncle sam.) Bush, of course, being an idiot didn't realise there were different factions in Iraq. He thought they all hated Saddam and wanted him gone. Just like the french wanted hitler gone in WW2. They thought they'd be greeted like heros for liberating the people.

But then they just dissolved the government (The BAATH party). Disolved the army and set up their own american controlled 'goverment' that was not recognised by half the population of the country.

The more time goes by and the more I see and hear about Iraq, the more i think about my school days and my teacher telling me of the 'Black and Tans' A hired army of British thugs which policed Ireland through fear and intinidation.



** The word production would imply that the oil is somehow being 'made'. Of course it is not meing made, it is simply sucked out of the ground and when it's gone..... it's gone.

So the debate about free time V work time rages...

Tell me this.... what do you do with youre free time?
My money says watch TV. How many hours a day/week/year does Joe and Joan Blogg spend watching X factor and Eastenders? And let's not forget the Sopranos, and who could live without seeing the first showing of the latest season of Desperate Housewives?

Personally (because i am better than you) i hardly ever watch TV. Instead i read books. Loads of them. (Mostly spelling books).

And I do very little actual 'work' in work. Some days I do none at all. Seriously, at this stage I think of my salary more as an appearance fee.

Then I go home and play with my kids and read. Then bed. The way I see it, if society wants to pay me to work but won't actually make sure I do some work, more fool them!

'Swop time for money'. I like that, kinda sums up my job too.

scary!

don't forget to take up rugby! you'll never fit in there unless you can wrestle a bear to the ground while holding onto and egg!

best wished Mr S....

oh and Mrs Lubes says good luck and keep in touch.

See you later aligator...

do they have aligators in Kiwi land?

Apparently Ipswich town were trying to start a Rugby team...

Alas, the ran out of hookers.

how many cats???

oh you better watch out,

you better not cry,

he doesn't like kids,

but he likes getting hi,

Satans chimp is comming to town.

Right then, 2004 micra.

Have a look at other such cars in the 'buy and sell' and in the paper. You'll only get the same as what everyone else is asking for.

I took a look in the buy and sell just now and there are 04 micras for 8 grand.

Also, remember it's christmas time and everyones either thinking of shopping for turkey or else they will be planning to upgrade their car in jan. What that means is that there will be not too many interested in thinking of cars right now, and worse still there will be loads of cars like this handed over to garages in part exchange for an 07. A week later these cars will be in the small ads papers.

The laws of supply and demand don't favour you right now.

Having said that there are SSIA's maturing all the time now and you'll only need one guy/girl to buy it from you.

Hmmm..... ask for 9 ONO (or nearest offer) and see what happens.

When do you need to sell by?

Also, if you'll letting some guy test drive it, go with him. You'd be surprised the number of people who have the car driven away for a test drive never to return.

Best of luck.

Really?

I can't see how having a steam powered vibrator ramed into them would calm them down....


(unless of course, they were female).


P.S. I've being taking snot lessons from Al.

How about the ability to know what people are thinking?

Not only would it be great for games of rock, paper, scissors, but it would also make me the best psycotherapest the world has ever seen*.

It would also be very helpful in an interview. Or for finding a mate. And it would be the best ability ever when your trying to buy a second hand car..... 'hmmm has the starter motor ever given trouble?? NO? Really???? are you sure??? etc...

And lastly.... it would be the best fun in the world to watch a politition being interviewed on the TV and to add, in subtitles, what their actually thinking.


Weapons of Mass Destruction you say GW??

"We're there to ensure we control the flow of oil"

And what of the Kurds and the Shia's who are no longer being killed by Saddam?

"We're there to ensure we control the flow of oil"

An comment if you will on your plans to deal with 'the axis of evil' that still exists in Iran and North Korea.

"We're there to ensure we control the flow of oil"

And finally, would you like ot comment on the stability of the Middle east as a whole?

"We're there to ensure we control the flow of oil"




*My life long dream.

You see... this is all going back the the whole argument that security having to be lucky every single time, and terrorists have to be lucky just once.....

This thing now, where someone drop a fecking i pod in the jacks and half the FBI are there to x-ray EVERYONE who ever flew on that plane in the past 6 months..... this is costing a f**king fortune for everyone... we (we you americans, and canadians and british folk.... i'm irish, we don't have such a thing as security) are paying for all this.

It never ceases to amaze me.... this is terrorists winning the war on terror. This is the effect of terror.

SUPER MEGA overkill.

You don't see Osama x-raying his camel every morning do you? Or every camel that his camel ever spent more than 20 mins with. You won't find him asking him camel for it's thoughts on the war in Palistine.

You won't find these lads spending billions on a defence budget. He doesn't have budget to spend solely on quizzing everyone who has even been the the USA.. ever..... at any point in their lives... and he's still in business.

... but if someone were to land in the USA and they had EVER been to Iran or Afganistan...ever.... they'd be doing well if they were sent to Camp Delta in Guamtanimo bay that very same day.

and let us not forget the Italians...
they have greasy skin so that the freckels will all slid off their faces.

And it mush also be noted that the Italian boy all grow mustaches so they can look like Mama!

You know what?

It's september again, and in 9 days time i'll be 32 years old. That doesn't sound like a lot until you realise that i'm half way to 64.

Half way already.... shit!

If i think back to all my childhood memories.... teenage years and early 20's.... and i try to quantify all that time. Then i am forced to realise that i have that much time left before i'm too old to do anything.

You know what else, i am starting to feel bits of my body slow down and get sore. I got pneumonia last year and i'm still very short of breath if the weather is cold. My sholder joint hurts now and then for no reason. Hair is starting to grow from my nose. WHY???
My belly won't go away when i suck it in looking for my 6 pack. I still haven't got grey hair but that can't be too far away.....

160?

Jesus, that's impressive....

But what the hell does a guy with 160 in his head be thinking about all day long?

It would be like living on a desert island with a bunch or retards.

Seriously, a guy like that would have to be so bored...... Like, imagine sitting down at dinner time and your parents and siblings are discussing poo. And giggling like schoold kids at someones' funny sounding name.

That is a lonely existance, no two ways around it.

You know what? Being an idiot has certain advantages..... the only problem it that your not smart enough to realise that you're lucky.

That's called a 'paradox'.

Hands up, who's heard of a paradox before?

After the drum kit.... i'd spend a grand on a 'headphone amplifier'.

I have a pretty god-damned good set of cans and a nice cd player and a seperate DAC*, so a dedicated headphone amp would be the shit for me.

See i know almost nothing about I-Pods, and digital cameras and all that stuff... but i know something about cars and hi-fi's....

if you ever want a lecture on why MP3 always sound crap..... i'm the boring shite you need to talk to.


*Digital to Analogue Converter.

Hmmm, as i said, counting beyond 8 gives me problems.. however, being able to half play the drums looks a shit load cooler than being half able to play the violin.

Like, a badly played drum kit, annoys people... but a badly played violin makes ears bleed....

10 weeks ago i dicided there was something i had always wanted to do......

you know how you'll here gay men who'll tell you they knew they were gay when they were 4 years old???

or you'll hear about someone who gave up a successful career in economics so they can grow sunflowers in a field in western europe?

well Lubes decided after many years of belting spoons on kitchen tables and whacking two pencils off my daughters school bag while i was helping her with her homework, that is was time to learn to play the drums.

So, not knowing the first thing about drums.... (and i mean not a thing!)... i went off into 'Music Maker' in Dublin and stepped inside the shop.... not a drum to be seen anywhere.. guitars and amps and all that stuff everywhere, no drums.... hmmm

then i plucked up the courage to ask the guy behind the counter (he was about half my age)....

in the basement he said.... and to the basement i went....

WOW... there was about 20 full kits there and about 6 million* cymbles

So to cut a very long story into a long story, i forked out 1,200 quid and went away home with an electronic kit. (A Roland TD3 for the nerds who care).

That was 10 weeks ago... i haven't seen my wife or kids since that day. Except to borrow some more pencils.

Drums are the best thing in the world for..... everything really...

Try it sometime!!!!



*Sometimes my counting ain't so sharp, i can count to 8, but then the bar starts again.